Warhammer 40k: How the Horus Heresy REALLY begun
| January 4, 2011 | Posted by Angry Nerd under Gaming, Humor, warhammer |
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Scene: the grand chamber of the imperial palace.
Present: The emperor and the primarchs.
Horus: “So, as I have been saying, I’m selling my soul to chaos and I’m planning to turn on you all.”
Emperor: “I’m not quite following…”
Horus: “Damn it, you never listen!”
Magnus: “I believe he’s saying he’s plotting to overthrow the empire, father.”
Emperor:” Magnus, we’ve been through this before. No more accusing Horus of impeding betrayal.”
Magnus: “But he just said he would…”
Emperor: “Fine, if you’re going to be that way, I have to put you in timeout. Russ?”
Leman Russ punches Magnus in the eye!
Russ: “Nerd! After this meeting, I’m breaking all your Lego too!”
Mortarion: *cough cough*
Emperor: “You better leave, Morty. You don’t want your brothers catching anything, do you?”
Mortarion: “Well *cough*, now that you mention it…”
Emperor: “Shoo! Shoo!”
Mortarion shambles out, oozing puss everywhere.
Lion El’Jonson: “You know Russ, I don’t think it was very nice of you to hit Magnus. We can deal with this as adults, dont you agree?”
Russ: “Shut up, Jonson! You’re such a damn wuss, always thinking and planning!”
Lion El’Jonson: “You dare to call me, Lion El’Jonson, a pussy?”
Russ: “Lion? Pussy? Hah! That’s funny! You’re alright bro!” *raises palm for a high five*
Lion El’Jonson hits Russ in the face.
Lion El’Jonson: “Lol pwnt!”
Lorgar: *tugs at emperors sleeve* “Look daddy, I made you a card out of macaroni and sprinkles!”
Emperor: “Anyway, about the crusade!”
Lorgar: “It says “Worlds greatest daddy” on it!”
Emperor: “Not now, Lorgar. We are in a meeting.”
Lorgar: “You never appreciate anything I do for you! It’s just like the cathedral I built or the millions of converts! I wish you were dead!”
Emperor: “Now, as I was saying, I have a mission for all of you.”
Lorgar: “I just wanted you to notice me!”
Emperor: “Someone say something?”
Fulgrim: “Is this going to be like that mission you sent me and Sanguinius on? The one that required him to have his way with me?”
Sanguinius: “Bro! Shhhhh! Secret mission, remember? Daddy will deny any knowledge about it?”
Fulgrim: “Oh yeah… I probably shouldn’t have made these videos of it then…”
Emperor: “Sanguinius, son, do you have something to tell me? You know you can tell me anything, right?”
Fulgrim: “Sanguinius told me all kinds of things. Dirty, naughty things! *giggles*”
Sanguinius: *blushes* “Well, I had this dream about Horus and me wrestling, him penetrating me and then a bunch of guys drank my body fluids…”
Konrad Cruze: “Oh wont you all SHUT UP! It’s always about you you you, always sucking up to daddy!”
Emperor: “Konrad, please use your indoor voice. And what have we said about using white makeup and wearing a black cape at the meetings?”
Konrad: “And that’s ANOTHER thing! I’m tired of the name Konrad Cruze. It’s limiting my ability to express myself! From now on I shall be known as… *dramatic pose* …NIGHT HAUNTER!”
Rogal Dorn: “Is this going to be about batman again?”
Konrad-turned-Night-Haunter: “You don’t understand me! Noone understands my paaaiiin!” *runs out*
Perturabo: “Hey Dorn, do you think I could out-siege you?”
Rogal Dorn: “I dunno, maybe?”
Perturabo: “MAYBE? You’re saying I might not be as good as you? I hate you now!”
*Night Haunter runs back in, hits Rogal Dorn with a folding chair, then runs out again*
Rogal Dorn: *mumbles* “This isn’t a good day for me…”
Angron: “Man, fighting is so awesome! I think I’m gonna go beat someone up!”
Horus: “DAMNIT, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME ALREADY? I claim rulership of the empire in the name of the dark gods of chaos!”
Emperor: “Son, is there anything you’re trying to tell us?”
Horus: “PRAISE THE FELL POWERS OF THE WARP! DEATH TO THE WEAKLING EMPEROR! I’M YOUR DADDY NOW!”
Emperor: “Not really sure at what you’re getting at here…?”
Horus: “Damnation! You really don’t get it, do you? Very well, you will see! Yes, you will ALL see! MWAHAHAHA!” *walks out, still cackling*
Emperor: “I wonder what that was all about? Corax, you better take some of your brothers and go see if he’s ok.”
Corax: “Does this mean I finally get to say something?”
Everyone: “NO!”
And thus began the Horus Heresy…
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