The reasons batman is the lamest superhero ever
|December 18, 2010||Posted by Angry Nerd under Comics, Humor|
I hereby present the mathematical proof that batman is the worst superhero ever! Now without mathematics, for your convenience!
The super powers
Batman doesn’t have super powers, so technically he’s not a super hero at all. He’s just a hero. You know who else is a hero? Every single mother who suffers through a underpaid, under -appreciated job so that her kids may have a decent chance in life. Wanna be a hero as cool as batman? Get knocked up by some loser who won’t take his responsibility!
Instead of super powers, batman has gadgets. Lame gadgets. Everything he has is a ‘batified’ version of some regular item, usually for no good reason. You know what’s better than all your gadgets? A GUN! You have a laser guided boomerang that can hit anyone and thus disarming them? Just freaking shoot them in the arm with your GUN. There, problem solved. Maybe they suffer some loss of mobility and have to give up crime! There are no gadgets in batmans arsenal that couldn’t be replaced, to greater effect, with modern weaponry!
Further, how impressive is it really? I mean, an unarmed, unarmoured guy fighting armed enemies is kinda badass. That kind of fighting takes some skill. Fighting armed enemies using laser guided boomerangs and wearing a bullet proof rubber suit (we’ll talk more about that later)? Not quite as impressive.
Batman is the dark knight, cause he’s so dark and brooding. He has power and respect in his everyday identity, he’s hailed as a hero and the saver of emo city as batman. He is obviously intelligent enough to design all those gadgets, or smart enough to have them designed without anyone tracking them back to him. WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE TO MOPE ABOUT?
Yeah he lost his parents to crime? Get over it already, you big baby! Im not saying losing your parents is ever easy, but LOTS of people lose their parents for horrible or just plain silly reasons, and they still manage to find some joy in life. Besides, while losing your parents is always a tragedy, wouldn’t the best circumstances you could hope for in that situation be to be left with enough money to never have to worry about your future and cared for by loving almost-family? Really, unless Alfred the butler molested him as a kid, I dont think batman has that much to whine about!
You know how you can tell if someone is a real badass? Imagine them walking into the slums of a metropolitan area of your choice. If you think they’d live, they’re probably pretty badass.
Can you see the joker doing that? Walking into harlem and living? “Why so se… *BLAM BLAM BLAM* Shit! Pale motherfucker! Hey Tyrone, check if there’s any more of those bitches around around! Shawtee, baby, get his watch!”
In fact, I have a hard time imagining most of them surviving a week of highschool. “My revenge will be terrible! I will destroy your puny little lives! Just as soon.. as you.. stop giving me wedgies!” Atleast the clown in “It” turned into a freaking spider monster, what the hell does the joker have going for him?
I notice that in most batman movies and comics, there aren’t any blacks or hispanics around. And no rednecks. And no poor people. Batman- the bane of villans so lame only american middle class could possibly be afraid of them!
He wears a black rubber suit. He mopes. He’s fucking useless. What more can I say? HE’S A FUCKING EMO!
And that’s why Batman is the lamest superhero ever!