Teach children to curse, and fight bad parenting
|September 17, 2011||Posted by Angry Nerd under Humor|
I don’t like children. Anyone frequent reader knows this, and if you’re not a frequent reader, then well, you know now! But what you don’t know is WHY I don’t like them. Granted, they are loud, smelly and obnoxious, but no more so than your average horsefly (except they are harder to swat, and people tend to get upset when some kid splatters all over their kitchen). No, what I really fucking hate with children is the way they make adults act even more retarded around them. Most people don’t have many opportunities for acting more retarded than they usually do, but throw some kids in the mix, and you’ll see what IQ and social skills they possess vaporize faster than pure alcohol at a AA meeting!
Parents are the worst, by far. First they spawn little screaming flesh-turds, then they run around insisting on showing you pictures of said flesh-turd, and finally they raise them to become fashion bloggers or apple fanbois. And all the while, they’re rambling about how amazing their children is, while at the same time ignoring the little screaming piece of shit as it is driving everyone around it crazy! And the worst part is, they will expect you to help raise their filthy little offspring! They want you to “think of the children”! They will tell you to “not use that kind of language in front of the children”. Everything that is good, like porn, dirty language, violent videogames and no holds barred chainsaw-fights with your friends (I’m joking about this one – you don’t have any friends!) need to be made illegal because of the effect that may have on the darling children that you had absolutely nothing to do with!
In the past, the well adjusted geek has had few opportunities to deal with parents like this. Squashing the kid is usually not an option because of the frail physique of most geeks, and besides, do you really want baby-goo all over your shirt? Feeding the kid to zombies may solve the problem, but zombies are rare these days (no doubt because people have taken some clues from my guide how to survive a zombie apocalypse), and besides, zombies are almost as annoying. Hacking the parents email and using it to send threatening messages with a islamist tone to important political figures IS an option, if you’re that kind of geek. But if you lack computer hacking skills, I am here to offer an alternative form of retribution:
Teach children how to curse, and expose bad parenting at the same time
If children have one thing going for them, it is their ability to memorize anything that, to their little bubbleheads, seem special. This is why kids learn all these stupid kid songs, or memorize the fucking retarded cartoons of today! But this can work to your advantage! Children’s brains are like sponges, ready to absorb the most scathing curse words you can imagine! And once the kid has picked up on this new vocabulary, all you have to do is walk away, and be certain that the bad parenting will do the rest!
Bad parenting and how it can work for you!
Most parents, for all their self-righteous bullshit about how their children mean everything to them, don’t know the first thing about parenting. They try to treat their children as adults: retarded adults when the kid is good, and reasonable adults when the kid is behaving inappropriately (and once you’re done with the kid, boy will it ever!)
Now, I never had kids, but I have had dogs, and one of the first thing you learn when training a puppy is that if you want it to act in a certain way, you reward it when it behaves in the desired way. You can’t punish it into doing right, a puppy isn’t smart enough to understand the concept of “not”. A child is far dumber then a puppy (if you don’t believe this, how come you never see people using kids to assist blind people, or sniff out drugs or bombs?), yet the bad parents of the world will continuously insist on trying to teach their children how to behave by only paying attention to the child when it’s doing something wrong! This is why teaching children how to curse is so easy! The Angelina Jolie wannabee bitch who squeezed out a kid just because she thought it would make a lovely fashion accessory may not pay any attention to that flesh-turd when it’s sitting quietly in the corner copying her eating-disorder, but the moment it proclaims her to be a “PMS-raging ponyfucker bitch of a mother”, you can bet the kid will have the mothers full attention! And while this attention will most likely take the form of the arbitrary yelling and physical violence that are the hallmarks of bad parenting, this is likely the only attention the child will get, so it will repeat the behavior!
Don’t know any good curse words? Use romance novels!
If you’re a fucking sissy who can’t curse your way out of a wet paper bag, don’t worry! You can still make good use of this trick: just buy some of those cheesy romance novels (or print some softcore erotic stories from the internet) and read some choice passages to the target child. You may have to repeat it a few times to make sure it sticks, but it is well worth the time to see the effect when the little shit greets its grandparents with the phrase “Sabinas back arched as the disfigured highwayman thrust his engorged manhood against her ample bossom”. Grandma still want a kiss from the mouth that said that? This can be taken as far as your twisted imagination will let you: bonus points if you can get children to recite graphical horse porn in Sunday school.
Indirect cursing: the stuff that won’t get you arrested
The bad part with reading cheesy romance novels to children is that it is probably illegal, and will get you beaten up and possibly registered as a sex offender. But there are alternatives. For example, teach a kid to ask its mother “Why daddys goodnight kisses are always extra salty when he’s been working late with Uncle Jim from work?”
Remember, cursing is a way to fight bad parenting
If those parents were raising their children properly, your little prank wouldn’t be doing much damage to those kids! You’re only exposing their flawed parenting, and maybe having a bit of a laugh at the same time. You’re the GOOD guy here, teaching those children to stand up for themselves and demand some damn attention. With curses! And cursing is awesome! Imaginary research shows that children who can curse a sailors ears black suffer a 80% lower risk of being bullied or raped by mooses! So you’re really doing them a favour. But I still think it’s worth it!