Idiots of Warhammer II
|August 6, 2011||Posted by Angry Nerd under Gaming, Humor, warhammer|
Maybe he has ADD, maybe he’s retarded, or maybe someone just gave the kid too much sugar. I don’t know, but whatever is wrong with this kid, he can’t stand still for five seconds. This kid is all over the place, trying to get in on everything, moving all the terrain, knocking over stuff and generally disrupting everyone’s attempt to be a dysfunctional wargaming geek!
The spaz usually doesn’t play himself, as he’s too young to afford it and lacks the attention span to assemble and paint an army. He may have been given some figures by an older relative, or just shows up at the store to check stuff out because its “so totally cool”, but never buying anything. Alternatively he’s someone’s kid or younger brother, who tags along with them and generally makes himself annoying. If he does play, he freaks out over every dice roll, makes sound effects for every missile fired, and yells at his models to make them fight better.
Solution: The best thing with the spaz is that he can easily become someone else’s problem. Just tell whoever brought the damn brat that if you bring a kid to the club, you have to look after them too. In a store, you can usually get the staff to take some responsibility. Just remember; if you didn’t help make the kid, you’re not responsible for it.
Also, obviously, if the spaz actually owns an army, I don’t suggest playing him. You’ll go deaf from all his yelling, and he just might illustrate the glorious charge of his (unpainted) wyvern riding ork warlord into your converted grail knights by throwing the model at you. A big lump of pewter to the face hurts!
The lord of dorkness
Lots of wargamers have piercings or tattoos. Lots of wargamers dress in black. Lots of wargamers play dark elves/eldar or chaos. Lots of wargamers listen to death metal. You would think this would make the lord of dorkness fit in quite well, but alas, he does not. Not even close!
The lord of dorkness has embraced the dark, nihilistic side of the uncaring, meaningless universe. While playing warhammer. His army is very detailed, especially that converted Slaanesh worshiping beastman warlord doing morally offensive and anatomically impossible things to a captured Halfling. And that diorama of cannibalistic ogres he brings to every game. He has enough metal in his body to set off airport security from a mile away, he sprouts “deep philosophical insights” (that to everyone else sounds like girly whining) about the meaninglessness of life, he hardly eats, and he stares. He always stares. Gamers shouldn’t be creepy, but this guy comes pretty close.
Solution: once you get past the initial discomfort, you quickly realize that the guy is actually a world class wuss. For all his ranting about how he longs for the comfort of death, he bruises easily, feints at the sights of blood, and the fact that he never seems to eat is mostly due to the fact that he has no muscle mass to sustain. Even your average gaming geek can push the lord of dorkness around, and I suggest you try it, just to get a feel for what it’s like to be the bully for once! Or you could just play against the guy. Most of his weirdness is cosmetic, and at least his army is painted. Just be aware that if he beats you, he will likely write creepy fanfic about how his general celebrates his victory by raping and torturing the remains of your army. But hey, you can always beat him up if he does that!
The normal guy
He has a job, or goes to school and actually attends the classes. Most of his friends doesn’t play wargames. He might work out, have a girlfriend, go to night clubs and work with something that doesn’t involve computers!
A guy like this can really cramp your geek style! Your days of “king of the gaming club” because you once touched the breast of a woman you weren’t related to will be over once he introduces his girlfriend to the club (see “the cute, funny girl” in Idiots of Warhammer). His ability to talk about stuff not directly relating to gaming, comic books or computers can make you seem like the no-life geek that you in fact are. And to make matters worse, he’s about to execute a devastating flank attack that you didn’t see coming!
Solution: There are really two kinds of normal guys in wargaming, and the way to deal with them is quite different. The first part is a closet geek; he probably read Harry Potter and thought it was a bit cooler than most of his friends did, and then he started watching some geeky TV shows, and soon he was sneaking out to the gaming store late at night to indulge in his shameful pleasures. This guy can easily be dealt with by letting his “cool” friends know what he REALLY likes to do in the evening, thus shattering his life and making him a social pariah just like the rest of you. The downside with this is that he’ll have no reason to ever go away, but at least he will be a broken, spent shell of a man that you can mock hideously. Quite likely to turn into a whiner, lord of dorkness or other idiot.
The other kind is the reformed geek. He was once a hardcore geek like you, but circumstances forced him to change. For whatever reason, he has been able/forced to develop normal social skills and non-geeky interests, although he still likes to indulge his geeky side. The best way to deal with a guy like this is to go totally geek-static on him. Talk about every sci-fi show marathon you’ve been too recently, ramble about how you spent 2 days straight doing nothing but drinking mountain dew and painting your new army, and never shut up about the new computer you’re getting. While most normally functioning human beings will start to ignore you or give you the whack upside the head you so dearly deserve, the reformed geek will fondly remember his own days of degenerated geekdom (conveniently forgetting the overwhelmingly bad sides of such a lifestyle), and might even be envious of you. While this may distract him at a critical moment in a game, the major payoff is that you will get someone to be jealous of your pathetic lifestyle! You won’t get many chances for that, so take the opportunity when you can!
Alternative Reality Man
Ever since a geek picked up a comic book, read it, and then picked up another one there has been a natural urge to debate which imaginary characters could beat up eachother. Would Batman beat Wolverine (hint: NO! ) Could Spock beat Yoda? Who is strongest: Superman or the Hulk? It’s all part of being a geek. But the idiot known as Alternative Reality Man just takes it two steps too far.
If you’re playing battlefleet gothic (if anyone actually plays that anymore, I can’t be expected to keep up with all these changes), he spends every minute ranting about how the Enterprise, a star destroyer, an EVE supercarrier and Mighty Mouse could all beat up your ships. As you’re deploying your dark elf army (taking a bit of extra pride in your new unit of converted cold one knights), he is launching into a tirade about how drow spider riders could easily take Nagaroth at any time, and don’t forget cold ones aren’t NEARLY as badass as a Velociraptor(though what he’s really thinking of is likely a Deinonychus)! If you’re playing Lord of the Rings, he’ll ramble about how the hired sword Halfling chef in his Mordheim warband could beat up Frodo, and if you’re playing Warhammer he’s no doubt proclaiming that your dwarf general wouldn’t stand a chance against Gimli!
An especially annoying Alternative Reality Man is the one who defends the alternative reality known as OUR reality. We KNOW that titans aren’t the most effective way to build a war engine and that weapons which suffer deadly malfunctions one time in six aren’t really viable. Just shut up already!
Solution: Alternative Reality Man is probably a twink or rules lawyer (with a large dose of rambler) that couldn’t quite hack it. He didn’t possess the knowledge to win arguments by using the rules, so instead he tries to put you down by demonstrating how other imaginary things are cooler than your imaginary things.
If Alternative Reality Man is a fan of one specific alternative reality beating him is pretty simple. Just find the least cool aspects of whatever alternative reality he favors, and constantly rub his face in it. If he’s a Star Wars fanboy, just mentioning Jarjar Binks or ewoks should be enough…
The Alternative Reality Man who will use any alternative reality to demonstrate how inferior your imaginary things are can be harder to argue with because he’s less predictable. However, his flexibility can become his downfall, as he usually doesn’t have the detail knowledge to back up his arguments. Just ask endless clarifying questions until he gets frustrated and leaves you alone.
The idiot who doesn’t get the joke
This idiot is called Ja Hausen and has the email address of Jahausen@yahoo.com He will get offended at your hillarious guide to Warhammer idiots and make a snarky comment on your website.
Solution: Write a second part of the guide and mock him in it!