Greater good gone bad
| January 12, 2011 | Posted by Angry Nerd under Gaming, Humor, warhammer |
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Scene: Imperial/Tau negotiations
Present: Imperial governor, Imperial Guard Grand General Cannonfodder, Sister Superior Yomama of the order of the spanked lady, Tau diplomat Ican’tbelive’ur’buyinthis of the water caste, Tau commander Shoo’tsur’doods of the fire caste, representative Corpseeater of the kroot
Tau diplomat: “So you see, governor, this conflict does not need to escalate. We do not claim ownership of the contested worlds, we simply wish for our colonies to remain there in peace. We will maintain only a token military force for self defense, and make no claim on the rights to further exploit the natural resources of the worlds in question. ”
Tau commander: “Yeah, TOKEN military force… *grumble*”
General: “Sure, that’s what they all say! It’s all “right of passage” and “seek only to trade” at first! Remember the problems we had with those eldar mercenaries? I TOLD you the spiked helms were trouble… And those tyranids only seeking to mate? We are STILL clearing up the mess from that! I swear, sometimes I feel some higher power are just setting us up in all these strange situations so we have to fight the Xenos and heretics!”
Sister Yomama: “SOME higher power, general?”
General: “Err… emperor be praised?”
Governor: “The general has a point. Suppose your intentions are good? My finance… I mean, my people have suffered greatly in this conflict!”
Tau diplomat: “Ah yes, I understand your losses have been considerable…”
Tau commander: “Oh great, are we going to pay these fools because they can’t manage to kill anything and lose the battle in 3 turns?”
General: “Hey, we killed some stuff!”
Tau commander: “Drones and kroot don’t count so nyah!”
Tau diplomat: “As my… associate is trying to say, we would be happy to offer suitable compensation to the families of the fallen…”
Governor: “Yes yes, that’s fine, what about…?”
Tau diplomat: “…AS WELL as peace offerings suitable for one of your stature, governor.”
Governor: “Hot dang!”
Imperial guard - when you cant afford real soldiers.
Sister Yomama: “Do the Xeno scum really think we can be bought so easily?”
Tau diplomat: “Obviously.”
Sister Yomama: “Their mere existence is an insult to the empire! Their ways are foul and corrupt!”
Tau diplomat: “No they aren’t!”
Sister Yomama: “Your so called allies tore apart my sisters and ate the bodies!”
Governor: “So? You eat each other all the time; I’ve heard you talk about it!”
Sister Yomama: “It’s not the same thing, you fool!”
Governor: “How can it not be, eating is eat… oh wait, I get it!”
Sister Yomama: “Emperor, not this again…”
Governor: “So it IS all true, isn’t it? The kinky rituals? I thought that stuff was just fan fiction!”
Sister Yomama: “Fifty years of service to the emperor, and all they see me as is a piece of meat.”
Governor: “I can’t believe you didn’t invite me for that! After all the monasteries I let you establish!”
Sister Yomama: “For the last time, we’re a valiant, pious order of battle sisters, not bondage bitches in power armor, put here to add some sex appeal to the otherwise grim darkness of the far future!”
Tau commander: “Then why do your power armor have such clearly defined boobies?”
Governor: *mutters* “Was there kinky lesbian bondage? I bet there was kinky lesbian bondage!”
Sister Yomama: “Filthy male pigs!”
Governor: “You KNOW how I feel about kinky lesbian bondage…”
General: “Yes, you tell us. All the time.”
Tau diplomat: “Perhaps we should return to the task at hand? The peaceful co-existence of our two glorious people?”
Tau - Cant we all just get along?
General: “What’s glorious about a bunch of cannibals?”
Tau diplomat: “Cannibals? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
General: “Your… pets slaughtered my men in combat and feasted on their corpses!”
Tau diplomat: “I’m sure they didn’t! And if they did, I’m sure they didn’t mean to?”
Sister Yomama: “Yeah, the limbs of the fallen guardsmen just jumped into their mouths!”
Governor: “I know a limb that would like to jump into YOUR mouth.”
Sister Yomama: “Pig!”
Governor: “Anyway, I don’t know why you’re so worried. You’re a general! There are not even stats for you in the rulebook; it only goes up to Colonel. It’s not like they’ll ever make a post-battlefield snack out of YOU.”
Tau commander: “Unless it’s a game of epic!”
Governor: “People still play that?”
Tau diplomat: “Guys, 4th wall!”
General: “It doesn’t matter that they might not eat ME, it is still a foul practice! Look, that thing is eating one of our fallen officers right now!”
Tau diplomat: “No he isn’t!”
General: “What are you talking about? I can see it with my own two eyes!”
Tau diplomat: “He’s… trying to revive the officer with mouth to mouth?”
General: “HE’S GNAWING AT HIS LIVER!”
Tau diplomat: “Damn it, fine! The officer… isn’t dead! He’s… longing for the fjords!”
Tau commander: “And you’re complaining about ME breaking the 4th wall? Besides, aren’t most of the readers too young to get that reference? Shouldn’t it be something like “He’s just upset cause he can’t haz cheeseburger” or something?”
Tau diplomat: “To be honest, I’m not sure that’s even a ‘he’, I mean, how can you tell with kroot?”
Governor: So you’re saying there are kroot females? Are they… open minded? I think we might be able to work something out after all!
Sister Yomama: “Enough, you xeno loving male pig! General, in the emperor’s name, I demand that you place the governor under arrest!”
Sister Yomama: “General?”
Governor: “Where IS the general?”
Representative Corpseeater: *burp*
Tau commander: “Oh no, not again.”
Tau diplomat: “Corpsy-poo, did you eat the nice human general?”
Kroot representative: *looks embarrassed*
Sister Yomama: “That foul abomination killed the general!”
Governor: “Fuck, that was my last senior officer!”
Sister Yomama: “You will burn in righteous fire!”
Governor: “Yeah, that fire thing! He was gonna introduce me to his daughter, fat chance of that happening now!”
Tau diplomat: “Why does this happens EVERY time!”
Sisters of Battle - more than space-boobs (but noone cares!)
*imperial envoy storms out*
Tau diplomat: “I don’t know why I bother!”
Tau commander: “Well, maybe if you didn’t insist on bringing that THING to every negotiation!”
Tau diplomat: “Don’t talk about him… her… that… anyway, the kroot is a noble race! In time, the representatives of the greater good will overcome their savage instincts.”
Tau commander: “They sure eat enough of the greater good… sure, they SAY they don’t, but I’ve kept track of the bodies!”
Tau diplomat: “Well, maybe you should try negotiating with the unwashed masses the next time!”
Tau commander: “Fine, the next time a 20 foot tall demon wants to devour our souls, why don’t you ask if it wants to join your side instead of having me destroy it?”
Tau diplomat: “MY side! Hah, I’m telling the ethereal that you don’t believe in the greater good!”
Tau commander: “Fine, I’ll tell them you failed again!”
Tau diplomat: “It isn’t my fault! I swear, sometimes it feels like a higher power is sabotaging all the negotiations just so we’ll have to fight the unwashed masses in pitched battles for their amusement!”
Tau commander: “Crybaby!”
Tau diplomat: “Your mother was an earth caste!”
Tau commander: “YOUR mother was an air caste!”
Tau diplomat: “I hate you.”
Tau commander: “I hate you more!”
Representative Corpseater: *burp*
Kroot - I R IN UR BASE, EATING ALL UR DOODZ!
Man this is one of the funiest things I read about 40K in a very long time. I’ll be sure to reference it on forums all over.
Many thanks, any publicity is greatly appreciated
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