Children are the future? So is manure!
|May 5, 2011||Posted by Angry Nerd under Humor|
Like any reasonable person, I dont like children. I mean, what is there to like? They run around all the time acting spastic, singing and shouting and playing stupid games like “peek-a-boo” and “world of warcraft”. And if they don’t, they just stand around acting all innocent, like I don’t know my taxes are being wasted paying for their schooling!
This attitude, for some reason that I don’t quite understand, seems to make a lot of people upset. And what more, it will often provoke them into doing completely unreasonable things, like trying to persuade me I’m wrong. This can be wonderfully unproductive and hilarious at the same time. Some people try to tell me that I’m just a misanthrope, which I never quite understood. I mean, is that supposed to be a BAD thing? Other people tell me that I will die alone and unloved, which I think is fair. If you want to die the way you lived, doesn’t that prove it was a worthwhile life? As long as I’m dying alone, unloved and filthy rich with lots of high quality beer, I’m fine. However, the worst argument stupid people will make is that I shouldn’t dislike children because “they are the future”. They are who will take over our civilization and pass our culture along.
If misanthropy still seems like a bad idea, keep reading!
Oh really, are they now? You know what else is the future? You know what else will cause the growth not only of our culture but of the earth itself? Manure! Manure is the future, and that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stink right now! In fact, the only difference between manure and your children (except that children probably smell worse) is that if you spoil manure rotten, let it drink softdrinks and watch anime every day, and never discipline it, MANURE WILL STILL BE USEFUL! It’s almost impossible to ruin good manure, whereas children will be irreversibly damaged merely by being on the same continent as whiny, self righteous bitches sprouting retarded expressions like “the children are our future”!
Besides, even if children are the future, what is so fucking special about being the future. I’m the damn present! That’s right, get on your fucking knees and worship me. Worship me in all my present-ness! Just like you drop to your knees and worship total strangers after two tequila shots every Saturday night, hoping that one of them will impregnate you so that you can have your very own little screaming vomit and poop machine to smother with your unrequited love!
“But the children will take care of us when we get old!” Newsflash, lady! Your spoiled brats can’t even take a shit by themselves because you’ve protected them from every challenge (like being kicked repeatedly in the face by me) until they became incapable of facing even the slightest challenge without you holding their hands. If you by some miracle manage to raise a child who’s disabilities somehow add up to a marketable skill (like bouncer, porn star or CEO of a small email marketing company), you can bet your rapidly growing ass that they will dump you off in a nursing home the moment they can persuade a court that you’re unfit to make your own decisions. Then you’ll be spoon fed pre-chewed pea pudding by highschool dropouts until sweet sweet death finally claims you, or your kids get tired of paying for your minimum benefits care and have you tossed out on the street. Some future!
Manure: just as much future as your children at half the cost!
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there shouldn’t be children. Our economy is sadly dependant on new generations of consumers even dumber than the current ones being created every few years, just like our agriculture is dependent on large amounts of cow shit. However, just like with manure, I just don’t think children are worth getting excited about. They’re there, we need them in the future, and some people have to work with them. They’re made by biological functions that are, in truth, not very impressive. If someone talks about them all the time, they’re probably sick sick people, and if you find some on your living room floor, it should be flushed down the sewers as soon as possible.
Manure not your thing? Kids too big to flush? Learn to get back at bad parents by teaching kids to curse!